To a special friend

So the way it works for me is that I listen deeply. When you talk, I don’t analyse anything, I just listen.

Then I leave it to my unconscious to process whatever has been shared. And what you share starts coming back to me as thoughts, insights, and ponderings throughout the course of the day.

A few things have been coming to me which I’m penning down. I don’t know whether I’ll share with you or not since I don’t want to impose anything on you. You’re anyway so bogged down by everything I don’t our interaction to be a bother to you in any shape or manner.

You’re in a lot of pain. That much doesn’t even need to be said. Somewhere it seems to me that you’ve linked your pain to doing well in life. You repeatedly say to me that you believe each one of us owes it to the world to do our best at whatever we do. And I feel like you believe that keeping the pain close to your heart is the way you’re making sure of not losing track of what life is and what the core of life is.

I know this thinking. This feeling. I was exactly the same. I never even allowed myself to have fun as a child. It felt like a waste of time if I wasn’t pushing myself to grow. And grow I did. I topped our matriculate examinations all India. I was invited by the President of India to watch the Republic Day parade with him in the President’s enclosure. All that was just the start. I accomplished much more.

But I was very lonely. Very miserable. But I barely tried to question my misery. I took it as an inevitable accompaniment of trying to be the best possible in a world full of mediocrity.

I see echoes of myself in you. That’s why you don’t annoy me dear. You arouse great love in me. It’s like I’m loving myself.

I have tons to say on this topic to you. But I know that you’re not in a mood to listen right now. And that’s okay too. I have no agenda with you. I’m happy to just be here for you. Be here with you. To just let the conversation happen. 

But I do want to see more smiles on your face. Even despite all the truth of everything you say…I’m not going to stop insisting on this one illogical thing - Yes! it’s still possible to smile despite everything. For only in that lies the victory of the human spirit over all that nature throws at us. And that is the only intention I have for you. :)

Love,

Nikhil

Getting out of Sadness

Winston Churchill's 'Black Dog' seems to like my mental backyard as well. Yesterday was another day when it had decided to pay a visit. It's surprising how one particular mood can make the whole world look bleak and dreary no matter what the actuals conditions.
I can safely claim that I've had some success in dealing with this visitor in the past. So yesterday when I was in that mentally bleak state, I could remind myself that I've been in such phases before and gotten out of it. And most importantly, that it was just a phase.
As part of my growing experience in dealing with occasional bouts of moroseness, I've been maintaining a doc file with a list of things that helped me get out of it in the past. The top item in the list is exercise. The second place holder is diet. The third place is occupied by spending time with friends of a generally positive attitude, but I find it most difficult to actively seek company when I'm down. Usually I've benefited out of it only when others have by chance sought me out when I was down.
Yesterday I chose to act on both the top options. I decided to fast for the day. And I decided to go for a walk - from Powai to Juhu Beach. Needless to say, the combination was not an enjoyable one but it paid off. Took me about 4 hours total to walk to Juhu Beach. It was the first time that I walked through so many different areas of Mumbai - bustling through near slums, chaos of roadside Sunday market, stinking piles of garbage and manicured streets of the upper class locales. I could relate to the lives of a lot of different people once I was done.
At the beach I leisurely enjoyed the sunset and observed the different groups of people that were there - running, relaxing, with sweethearts, with parents, with business acquaintances(from the hotels), or in solitude like me. Loved it. Savoured it. And returned back in an auto, with a much better mood than expected.

Mission accomplished.